The Queens Speech at the opening of the UK Parliament had everyone talking about Brexit. Within it,however, were the Government’s proposals for taking the country forward to a better time past.
Based on extensive research by watching every episode of the historical documentary Downtown Abbey Mrs May’s Government has embarked on ambitious proposals to revert the UK to a time before the EU was ever heard of, namely 1910.
A time of glory for the British public when people were glad to get any work they could find with no moaning about zero hours contracts as they had no contract at all to worry their heads about.
Commenting on the proposals the Minister in charge of the Back to Time Past agenda Justin le Temps said:
“Well we became aware that people were getting ill just to get free treatment from the doctor and in Scotland it was even worse when even their medicines were free. It was making the country quite irresponsible.”
” Setting things back to their true course as it was in 1910 is a great step forward for the UK. People will go to work whether or not they are ill. None of this slacking off that we have seen recently.”
In Scotland too the proposals have seen the devolved government embrace education reforms which will see children judged on their ability to pass a half hour test rather than the messy idea of them engaging in activities where they work together.
Mother of none, Mrs Flett McGinity, 52, said:
” It’s a great idea. Parents couldn’t tell if their bairns were learning anything. Having a weekly test on sums and reading will give them a much better idea. Concentrating on these things rather than wasting time on music and art will be much better for them in the long run as they search for work at the fruit picking. “
The Back to Time Past agenda will also see a new Government department set up to examine online activity. The remit of the online detectives will be to seek out all those who misuse the keyboard and engage in sloppy spelling and poor punctuation. Justin le Temps said:
“The government has become increasingly alarmed at poor spelling on the internet and the worrying trend of an absence of all punctuation. This new department will seek out all those responsible who will have to assure us that they will never again engage in such reckless activity by writing a 5000 word essay on the subject.”
In Scotland where people have been enjoying without a care in the world free prescriptions, free eye tests, winter fuel payments for the elderly, free bus passes for the elderly and free personal care for the elderly all of that is now seen as completely over the top and unnecessary. With an increased vote for the Tories in Scotland it is clear that many people see these payments as far too generous and pressure will be put on the Scottish Government to make changes. The Scottish Parliament of 129 members will feel the full force of the Tories 31 MSPs as they drive home the need to reverse the tide of social improvements blighting Scotland today.
The Back to Time Past agenda is thought to take hold within the next few weeks as rising food prices will enable people to embrace the eating habits of our ancestors and enjoy the health benefits of a bowl of gruel. Asked if the Back to Time Past agenda will see MPs wages revert to the 1910 level Justin le Temps was not available for comment.
Reporter: Fergus Graemsay