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Bouncing Boffins Foretell Future for Physics

An important research facility recently constructed in Orkney is about to commence a crucial series of experiments looking into the effects of gravity. Likened to the importance to Physics as the current experiments taking place at the large Hadron Collider at CERNS accelerator complex , the research facility located at Hatston is a world first.

Council tax payers in Orkney have been distressed at the empty warehouses at the Kirkwall Industrial Estate but the income generated by the new research complex will allay all their worries.

The Orkney News can exclusively reveal that 3 world top boffins have been employed to conduct the experiments with another 45 posts up for grabs. The experiments, although, top secret, concern the power of gravity and its attraction for physicists looking for funding.

The large warehouse facility is needed as the experiments will take up huge amounts of room – the height of the building is crucial.

Lead researcher Professor Hali Van Gaugh explained:

“This is a great leap forwards and upwards for physics in Orkney and the World.”

“Some sceptics might think that 3 boffins spending the day jumping around on trampolines is a waste of tax payers money. No, No, No – these vital experiments will determine the relative bounciness of trampolines as they exist in Orkney today.”

The bounce of trampolines has always been of great concern to many members of the public in Orkney and several have conducted their own experiments although limited by the confines of their back gardens. A few have participated in larger scale research at the Pickie Centre but now Orkney will have a purpose built facility. This will improve by 3.5% the accuracy of the results.

Prof Hali Van Gaugh said:

“We are grateful to the many amateur physicists in Orkney many of whom are not even 8 years old yet for their past contribution to the study of gravity but now is the time for the professionals to take over.”

“Conducting experiments of this nature is not without risk and I would like to take this opportunity to wish my fellow scientists Dr Adel Hofoy and Dr Jo King a speedy recovery.”

Not since Neil Armstrong dropped a feather and a hammer on the Moon has the world seen demonstrations of the force of gravity as these. Good Luck Prof Hali Van Gaugh.

Reporter: Fergus Graemsay

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