The Orkney News has been privileged to have gained access to the archives of a past alternative newspaper that existed in our islands many years back. With the kind permission of the editor of that renowned publication, P.M. Driver, we are able to publish excerpts.

96 years ago

Man Seen Lurking

Last Saturday, a man was seen lurking. If you have any information that you think may be useful, please phone Kirkwall Police Station.

62 1/2 years ago

Man From Hop Breeds New Animal

Mr Isaac Hinkley from the Hop has revealed that he’s bred a new species of a mammal called a gireep.

It is a cross between a giraffe and a sheep, and resembles a very lanky woolly horse. Mr Hinkley from the Hop says he has been trying to get it right for a good few years now, and has a large accumulation of woolly giraffes and teetery sheep in his barn. If you would be interested in purchasing any of these animals of comical appearance, Mr Hinkley from the Hop can be contacted.  The London Zoo is interested in buying a gireep for their collection and plans to visit the islands next month. Meanwhile Mr Hinkley from the Hop shall be breeding lots more gireeps, so as they can be bought as pets.

13 years ago

Mr Bignold Catches Extinct Beastie

During last weeks angling competition on Harray Loch, Mr Geoff Bignold from Orphir, caught a 300 foot long thesaurus, said to have been extinct since the olden days. It is thought to have been the last one surviving. After catching the creature, he belted it around the head with an oar, and ate it for tea. Mr Bignold made the observation:”It tasted just like chicken.”

Report compiled by Fergus Graemsay