If you are reading this I may be officially dead …or not depending upon the views of the Scottish Government and the  Dept of Work and Pensions. 

I could point to the fact that I am breathing, it seems a rather fundamental proof of life  but that,  from  an official perspective at least,  seems to be less evidentially persuasive than “the records”.

So how did we get there, its our fault, we asked a question.

It works like this :- My wife  got a single person’s pension age winter heating allowance. The crunch there is ….single. She isn’t she’s been  married to me for just over 50 years. You’d think over all those years someone would notice ?

But I  did not get  an allowance  which I should get  if I am also single as I am according to them. Which  of course  I am not … But actually that issue is simply understood and explained …officially at least,  I don’t exist.  

Therefore we are underpaid in heating allowance  as a  married couple (which we are, but officially we are not because you can’t be married to a phantom person, which officially, I am.)  So she is over paid because she is married, not single. But officially,  she is single not married. So its all good, except it isn’t. 

This was her question “How do I pay it back?” It’s odd that honesty can lead to such conundrums.

Following this? Confused? Work with me, we will get there. 

There follows nearly 3 hours of waiting and talking to staff in Scot Gov who need to sort this but all of whom I have to say were really really  lovely. Perplexed but lovely. 

We each had to speak to them in turn.

My wife had to have her conversation then I had to have mine …because we are not officially  a couple, even though we have been married for five decades. 

The only conclusion we can come to  being that I either do not exist, or am dead, officially if not factually. This is something our interlocutors could agree with even though we were talking which I found a little ironic, I’m not a recording and even AI can’t mask the hysterical laughter. 

So, I’m  a chancer and  I put it to them that in the first instance (I don’t exist)  could I perhaps put in a for a tax refund for the last 55 years? It only seems fair. No …because who would HMRC  pay the refund to? 

It strikes me the Government always wins.

This causes me to question the old adage that only two things in life are certain, death and taxes. The implied conclusion that death leads to a relief in tax payment is a myth.  It seems you can be officially dead  or worse have never existed, but still pay tax. 

My wife, ever practical,  broke protocol and chipped in to the conversation  saying that as  she is making me a fat free Christmas pudding, should she stop? If I’m either dead or not here? Could Scot Gov give a ruling? 

They politely declined as marriage guidance is not their forte. 

It transpires that in the transfer of winter payment allowances from DWP to Scot Gov a host of data anomalies bubbled up like evil pixies and they have a lot of things to sort out. In other words Scot Gov gets to field the issues but Westminster seem totally incapable of safely  transferring a data file. The woman we were talking to had the tired air of resignation that suggests that there are many many more such anomalies.

I suppose though, being an anomaly is better than being dead or non existent. Small mercies.

But now we have been officially married in data, our cases have been lovingly connected on a spreadsheet so we will be dealt with together ….Aaaah  bless. Computer says ….maybe. 

Lovely Scot Gov person ended by wishing us a happy Xmas….together …my wife continued with the pudding.

It strikes me that the case for Independence comes in different and in some case unforeseen packages. In this case anyone thinking that shared ownership of the wheels and gears of governance will work  is proven wrong by the interface, far better to be one rather than two. 

But here’s the thing. We moved recently and despite the fact that we deregistered our vote in the last place we lived and registered in our new one we are or at least were, registered twice. They may have sorted that, who knows?  So Mr Swinney if you want to win by two votes ……..now would be a good time. And if  you do  and they look for a scapegoat, don’t look in my direction …..

…….. I don’t exist.